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The light from the moon bounces off the silver necklace, causing its shape to dance on the ceiling and you feel betrayal, as if the Moon is mocking you for permanently taking away the little bit of hope and happiness you had left.
You trace your fingers on the locket, feeling the scratches and cracks on it; you know that whatever battles Yoongi fought, he did his best to protect this, the symbol of your love, the one you gave him before he left.
It was a week after the Ceremony 3 years ago, the day before he took the trip to wherever and never looked back.
You open the lock and your fingers ghost over the book pendant. On the right are engraved words - Your life and mine are one, he’d said once, and you wanted to let him know you believed in it as much as he did. On the left are dried primrose petals; you wanted him to know you will always love him. Even if he was away, even if he said he wouldn’t call; you wanted him to know you’ll never forget him.
He held you then, wiped away your tears, and kissed your lips until you cried harder, and then until you stopped. You laid in his arms on his bed, your breaths steadying at each other’s warmth, at each other’s longing even before you had to part.
“I’ll never be without this,” he’d said, voice full of promise. “You’ll always be the best thing that ever happened to me. And I’m so sorry I have to go.”
He didn’t have to apologize, he never had to. You’ve read stories of the Wolf Warriors growing up, had books of them that always enthralled you, how they fight the other creatures - humans, included - to ensure the safety of all the wolves. You never thought those stories would pain you one day, and that night, it pained you the most.
“I’ll never forget you,” you said. “I’ll always love you.”
He couldn’t tell you that so would he, but that you’re not meant to love only him. He couldn’t tell you that you’re meant for great things, that all the dreams you both had are still dreams you can have, that you can achieve, and he’ll be happy even if it’s not with him. He couldn’t tell you that he’ll hurt everyday, knowing he had to leave you behind, but he knows one day that someone will take his place - someone who’ll be by your side, loving and taking care of you the way he couldn’t.
He’d only smiled then and held you tightly, and you both kissed and cried until the sun rose, and you didn’t want to let him go.
You couldn’t stand being in the pack house to celebrate his Fate, as his departure was a knife to your heart, and you watched him enter the car from afar and drive away, leaving broken dreams and a shell of the woman you were in his wake.
You let a tear fall as you recall all this, knowing the hope you had that you’ll ever see him again has been buried in a pile of rubble - all the pain and sorrow remind you of what you’d lost and what you’ll never have again. You knew it was silly to wish one day he’d come back, that you’d find a way to make it work, but you did; you hoped and you dreamed for both of you - it was one of the ways you could hold onto him.
Now he’s just a memory kept in this necklace, in the charm-filled bracelet he gave you before he left, in the books you read together, in your garden and your porch, in all the rivers and meadows you spent days in, in the sun and the clouds. In the Moon. He lives everywhere, and everything just hurts.
It’s been a week since that day at Amma’s house when you all received the news. Namjoon had heard a specific howl from the elders and he knew, with their connection to the Wolf Clan, that something was wrong, and the package had confirmed his suspicions.
You faintly remember how your whole body went numb, how you couldn’t breathe, and how soft arms wrapped around you, Amma’s humming and whispers telling you that you can cry filling your mind for mere seconds, until Jungkook’s low and pained voice told you that he’d take you to your parents’ house; you don’t remember much after.
You know you’ve been here for days, though, dazed and unresponsive, clutching on the necklace like it’s your lifeline, like you’d die without it. You barely eat; not even your grandfather’s pies change the emptiness in your eyes. Your mother has taken to giving you a bath everyday, and Baram and Mi-Rae have been alternating sleeping next to you on your bed, not wanting you to be alone in fear of how much more you’ll break.
You know that Jungkook visits everyday, walking in your room to lay the food on your bedside with a book he's brought from your bookshelf in his cabin. You never meet his eyes, but you feel them staring at you, with what you only expect to be more apology and concern.
He doesn’t tell you that he wishes you could come home to him, that he wants to help you grieve and cope and move on. He doesn’t tell you how much he wants to comfort you, to help you release your anger and hurt in whatever way. He doesn’t tell you that it hurts seeing you like this, knowing there’s nothing he can do to fill the void that Yoongi had left but as your mate, Jungkook will try, he’ll try everything; he just wants you home.
It’s the next morning when your grandfather enters your room with spinach pies he baked, taking your hand in his as you lie on your bed, your eyes devoid of their usual warmth.
“Hey, sweetie,” he coos, sitting next to you and urging you to look at him. “You have to eat. You can’t let go of yourself, okay?”
“How did you cope with losing grandmother,” you ask after a while, disregarding his request. “How did you move on?”
“You,” he says softly.
You turn to him, as if to let him continue.
“You came into this world a year after she passed, and I was a broken man,” he shares. “It’s not easy to lose someone you’ve loved your whole life.”
Your grandparents were neighbors, fated from the moment they met, he’d said, and you never doubted that. You’d seen photos and could see the love in them; you wanted to have the same thing one day, you remember thinking.
“I couldn’t even rejoice when your mother told me they were pregnant, couldn’t hold her hand when she was scared or hug her when you came out, all because I couldn’t let go of my own pain, pain that she also felt from losing her own mother.”
He wipes the tears that stream down your face and kisses the top of your hand.
“Your mother always left you with me while she and your father worked, and I think it was her way of helping me, you know? I needed a way to continue living without falling apart, and that’s when I started reading you books. Your grandmother always loved them,” he smiles.
“You seemed to love them, too, your eyes just focused on me and your joy just radiated every time. It was beautiful to watch. And then when you got older, I started baking you pies. She and I used to do it together. Walnut was your favorite; it was hers, too, and the first time I made it again after she died was for you.”
You look at your grandfather, pain and longing mixed with content and happiness. He’d been remembering her through you.
“The pain doesn’t really end, sweetie,” he sighs at the hard truth. “It comes and goes. It’s okay to mourn however you want; we deal with grief differently. But we get to decide if that pain will numb us, or if we’ll let it push us. Because however it may feel right now, you’re not alone, okay? You have us. You have you. Yoongi lives in you; he won’t go away for as long as you live.”
You nod and hug him, letting yourself weep for the first time since that day. Your cries have been muted - in the bathroom when your mother leaves you to dress up, at night when you know that no one can hear you.
But today, you let yourself go, you let yourself feel. It helps when there’s someone who knows what it’s like to lose someone they thought they’d have more time with.
Your grandfather rubs circles on your back, whispering words of encouragement and love, reminding you of who you have left.
A knock disrupts the moment and Jungkook enters, his eyes softening at the sight of you not looking as dazed as in the past few days. He smiles and places the food on your table then heads out.
“He comes everyday, you know?” Your grandfather says, taking the tray and placing it in front of you.
“I see him bring the food in,” you respond.
“He wishes you’re back home with him, though,” your grandfather continues. “He wouldn’t be here in the morning and throughout the night until you’re asleep if he didn’t.”
The first emotion other than pain and anger you feel is towards Jungkook - guilt. You know how he worries, and you’d been holed up in your room in your family’s house for a week, not speaking to him, not looking for him. You can’t imagine what it’s like for him - being as strong and capable as he is yet not being able to do anything to help you, his mate.
You promptly finish your food as your grandfather tells more stories about your grandmother and how he felt her speak to him through other people, and you feel a sense of relief somehow - that someone knows what you’re going through, that one day, you’ll learn to move on with nothing but a reminder of the love you once shared with a man who gave up his life for the greater good.
Yoongi was always meant for grand things, you think, and you know that’s what happened. Even if you were spared the details of his death, you knew enough that he did what he could to save others, and he’ll be immortalized for that. That was his Supreme Fate. That was his great love story, and that’s enough comfort to you. For now.
You walk down the stairs, as the call of nature strengthens. You know that sitting out on the porch would help.
You’re surprised to see Jungkook sitting on the steps that lead out to the garden, his head turning side to side, like he’s in awe of his surroundings, as if he doesn’t witness your town’s beauty on a daily basis like this.
You sit next to him and you see the slightest turn up of his lips.
“Your garden really is big,” he starts. “I see why you’re quite unimpressed with our cabin’s backyard.”
Our.
You disregard how casually he says it.
“The backyard’s fine. It's just that it doesn’t get as much light, that’s all. And there’s not much grass and flowers and patches to grow vegetables and herbs. And there’s no—“
You stop at his pouting face, and you can’t help the smile that escapes you.
“Yeah, the cabin’s backyard isn’t that impressive.”
He laughs softly, a sound you realize you haven’t heard in a week. Even with his silence, he’d let out a soft one every once in a while. You don’t want to admit that you missed it.
“But it’s okay. It’s growing on me,” you continue.
Your eyes follow a bird that sits on the porch railing, its elegant blue feathers reminding you of the ones that you and Yoongi used to see.
You let the silence engulf you, finding comfort in sharing this with Jungkook, no longer used to being without his presence.
“I’m so sorry, ___,” he says after a while, his head bowed down.
He’s sorry for what you have to go through, that it hurts; that right now, he’s unable to make it easier for you. Somehow he’s sorry that it wasn’t him.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” is all you say, as you stare out the mountains before you again, the light of the sun and the parade of the fluffy clouds making it seem like some sign.
“Take me back to the cabin, Jungkook.”
The words catch him off guard, as he was ready to spend another night without you. It’s been torturous, not knowing how you are, not hearing your voice, not feeling you shift next to him at night or seeing your peaceful face when he leaves every morning.
He comes here at daylight and then back at night, hoping you’d be okay enough to go back home with him because somehow, it doesn’t feel like it without you around. He doesn’t know what he feels, apart from constantly worrying about you and hoping you’re alright.
He’s unsure if it’s love, if it’s possible for it to come this easily and this quickly, even if for a moment in his life he doubted that he’d ever feel it again, but it doesn’t matter. You two are bound by a promise to the Moon, and by a promise he made one desperate night that he’ll keep trying and enduring whatever it is, until one day you can be ready to love again, the way he’s doing his best to be ready just the same.
But the sound of your voice asking for both of you to go home and how that does something more than calm his racing heart, is making him feel that maybe, he’s on the way there.
**
Your grandfather was right. The pain comes and goes - some days, things seem manageable; some days, you feel like a hollow being incapable of feeling anything but the pain.
You wake up some mornings and feel like you could at least get off the bed, make your tea, and go to work. It often starts out fine, until something reminds you of the part of you that’s missing. It could be anything - your bracelet clanking, Yoongi’s doodle on a book you both enjoyed, a particular shape of a cloud, the chirping of birds.
Most nights are hard, though, as the tranquility in the mountains makes you think more. The dreams come and go, too, but they’re mostly snippets - bike rides to school, the first time Yoongi held your hand as you walked to the river, talking about all your dreams under the stars, his fingers tracing your face, his soft lips on yours.
You can hear his low-toned laugh, his satisfied hums over the pies you make him, and his whispers of love and affection as you lay next to him on the grass.
The pain goes from a deafening pound to the pricks of needles, but it’s always there.
It hurt when he left, more so when he asked not to communicate because he’d said it would be harder, but the thought of him living and breathing elsewhere gave you hope that one day he could return, and you could see him smile once more, feel him against you even for just a while.
You said your goodbye 3 years ago with the thought of seeing him again. You didn’t think you had to say goodbye for good.
But like your grandfather also said, you’re not alone. Jungkook makes sure of that. He’s next to you every morning, staying on his side but right there just the same. He’d offered to make your breakfast but you insisted, saying you’re not incapacitated, just grieving.
He doesn’t leave for work until you do, and he’s taken to preparing dinner every night while you sit on the chair outside and watch the night sky.
It’s one of those days when it starts out good, and then slowly you plummet, feeling that familiar feeling of helplessness once more.
You enter the cabin after a busy day at work and take a bath, the hot water and incense - one that Jungkook got for you - doing enough to soothe you. You go to the kitchen and see the bowl of tangerines that you got from the market yesterday and start peeling one. It was Yoongi’s favorite, and you’d instinctively bought it then realized on the way home that you’d be eating these, remembering how he always peeled them for you.
You were never good at it, which is why you’re struggling right now. It’s hard to detach the core even when you dig your fingers on the skin, and you’re getting impatient. You want this peeled, you want to eat this, you want to show yourself you can be without him because there’s no other way, the Moon didn’t give you a choice.
You feel the tears form as you struggle some more, and you end up poking a hole through the fruit, and you’re frustrated - this isn’t how it’s done. You throw the tangerine on the wall, and the rest of them are mocking you, so you throw what’s left off the table and you sob.
It’s just a fruit, but it drew so many memories and took so much out of you. You stand there by the dining table with your hands on your drenched face, crying, your heart twisting and turning again, until you feel rough hands turn you and you’re crashing on Jungkook’s firm chest, his arms wrapping around you, steadying you as you shake uncontrollably from all the emotions.
“Hey, ___. It’s okay, I’m here,” he whispers. “You can cry and shout and punch me if you want, just let it out. Just let it all out.”
You do all that in order - you wail, then you scream, then you pound your fists on his chest as you cry about how much it hurts, how unfair everything is, how you want to just stop feeling.
Jungkook takes it all, stopping his own tears from falling seeing you in pain like this. You’ve been dazed for weeks; even as you agreed to come home with him, all you’ve been is quiet and even more detached, sullen and void of hope. He’d wanted you to just let things out, express your pain in ways you’re able, in ways you want to.
He’d comforted someone who’d lost someone, too, and he knows how important it is to let all those emotions out, and much more, how important it is to never leave your side.
He caresses you, and you don’t pull away, gripping his shirt as if you’re holding on for dear life, and he’s glad you’re at least letting him comfort you like this.
You look up at him, tear-stained cheeks with glassy eyes and quivering lips.
“Feeling better?” He asks.
You nod in response.
“Do you want me to peel those for you?”
You shake your head no. “Please throw them away,” you whisper.
“Okay, but you need to eat something.”
You nod again.
“I’ll heat the food your parents brought, okay? You can sit outside and I’ll just call you.”
“I-it’s okay. I’ll stay here by the fireplace,” you say.
Jungkook takes out the food and heats them in the pan, constantly looking at you as you watch the flames dance around as you hug yourself on the couch.
He calls you over and the smell of pork and vegetables is mouth-watering. Jungkook gets to slicing them for you before you could even start, and you watch him do this so naturally, as if he knows just what you need. Even if you barely talk to him, he knows that you need him around.
“Thank you,” you mutter.
He smiles. It’s a soft one, and you could see the light reflect on his eyes, and you feel comforted, peaceful, even.
You have dinner in silence as you often do, and you wait for him to clean up before you both head to the bedroom and wash up one after the other.
You’re lying on your backs on the bed, watching the shadows dance on the ceiling.
“He was my best friend,” you break the silence. “I wasn’t always comfortable around people and he made me feel like I was safe around him, like I was special being normal and ordinary.”
“Go on,” Jungkook says.
“We lived in our own world, in our books, in our safe place in the meadows and the rivers,” you continue. “He was so wise, always knew what to say. He was quiet but only because he was always thinking and maybe, maybe that’s why,” you start to stammer. “Maybe that’s why he was chosen, because he’s so intelligent, so brave. You’d trust him with your life, you’d trust him to make things happen; you know he’ll always do what’s right.”
Your lips quiver as you feel the tears form again.
“I miss him so much. I miss him everyday,” you cry once more, and you instinctively turn and feel Jungkook’s arm around you again, your tears seeping through his shirt as you hold onto him tightly.
His chin rests on your head as you calm down with his hand rubbing circles on your back. You lay like this for a while, with your arm having moved to wrap it around his waist and you snuggle him closer, as if begging him to take the pain away from you. And knowing Jungkook, he probably will.
With the stillness in the room, you’re suddenly aware of his body - his tiny waist and taut back, his firm chest that you’d pounded your fists on earlier and which your head currently is resting against. You could feel his heartbeat pacing and hear his shallow breathing. With your bare legs slowly entangling with his and your hips mindlessly rubbing against his own, you feel his hardening length press against you.
You look up at him, his closed eyes and clenched jaw telling you that he’s stopping himself from something.
“Jungkook,” you whisper.
“Please don’t mind it,” he says. “I’m trying to, uh…”
He moves his hip away from yours but you pull him back to you.
He looks at you questioningly.
“Jungkook, I…”
You bite your lip and you start to pant, feeling him stiffen against you and how you both are right now reminds you of all those times you took home men and let them ravage you, take from you even if there was none of you left.
But Jungkook is your mate. He’s not just anyone. This is a man you live with, are destined to be with, are meant to be one with. Doing more will change things, and while you know at some point it’s bound to happen, you know it shouldn’t happen like this - not when you’re grieving and aching and wishing he was someone else, but the part of you that’s desperate to feel something else other than hurt overtakes you.
Your hand trails dangerously close to where he’s aching and your eyes are almost pleading, and he wants nothing more than to have you close, bare for him so he could take your pain away even for just tonight.
“Tell me what you want, ___,” he pants, as his hand moves to your waist, gripping you to try to control himself.
“I want to feel you,” you whisper. “All of you. Please, touch me, Jungkook.”
He lets out a low growl before he lays you on your back, hovering over you as his eyes trace your face. Your eyes are glassy but they’re pleading, your parted lips are quivering but they repeat the words it’s okay and take me the longer he stays staring at you.
Jungkook lowers himself, eyes on your lips as he goes, but you turn away, not willing to let this mean anything more. You see his pained look from your periphery but you don’t take your rejection back. You’re not ready for that, much as you asked him for this.
He takes another route, though, aching to build on the arousal. He places an open-mouth kiss on your exposed neck, briefly feeling you hold your breath, but he goes soft on you, and your hand that wraps around his neck and pulls the hair at its nape says you want more, so he continues.
His hot breath leaves goosebumps on its wake as he nips and licks your skin, grunting as he goes. He settles on the crook of your neck as his hardened co*ck presses on your clothed c*nt, and he grinds against it, the friction making his head spin, causing him to just want more of you.
Your one hand moves to his waist, and he takes the hint of your attempts at pulling his shirt up, so he kneels and takes it off, blessing you with a sight you hadn’t realized was hiding underneath, his toned body a match to the kind of strength he possesses.
His fingers trace your waist, slowly moving up your torso until you remove your shirt yourself, and you don’t miss the way his eyes widen at the sight of you bare underneath him, your pert nipples and heaving chest waiting to be ravished by him.
He starts in the valley of your breasts, wet, slow kisses that move from one nipple, swirling and sucking and then moving on to the other, giving the same amount of attention as you moan in pleasure. His hands hold your waist as his mouth glides further down, kissing every part of you that’s exposed to him, as you initiate pulling down your shorts and your undergarment, and the scent of your arousal unleashes the animal in him.
He settles in between your thighs, inhaling your scent and lapping up your slick as he sucks and licks your cl*t, his moans creating vibrations that add to your pleasure. You’re a whining mess underneath him but you scream for more, so he brings two fingers inside your hole, hitting a spot that has you keening.
“More,” you moan. “I want more.”
He enters another finger, and this is how he prepares you for him. As he tries to put another one in, his thumb now drawing patterns on your nub, he feels your walls clench around his digits and you let out a restrained cry, your essence spilling all over his hand. He licks them off, drunk on your scent and wanting more just the same, while your chest heaves from the pleasure you haven’t felt in so long.
He kisses your quivering thighs then your hips, then your torso then your breasts as you come down from your high.
“Was that alright?” He asks, facing you again.
You nod, though that wouldn’t give it justice. It was more than alright and you know that he could do so much more with just his mouth and his fingers inside you.
You palm his clothed length to let him know what you want, and his worried look tells you that he’s afraid he’ll hurt you.
“It’s okay, I can take it,” you assure him. “I just… I just need this, please.”
He lowers his pajamas and you briefly see his co*ck, massive as you expected, and throbbing just like your cl*t is.
“Tell me when it starts to hurt, okay? I’ll stop right away.”
You know it will hurt, but it will also be good, pleasurable, numbing enough to not let you feel the other kind of pain you’re tired of feeling.
“I will,” you say, as his tip slowly enters you, the sting immediate as you feel his size take every inch of your c*nt.
He grunts loudly, not hiding his own pleasure. You’re warm and tight and so good around him; he feels he can get lost in you easily.
You moan together as he goes deeper, his co*ck dragging inside your walls and he hits the end of it and stops, his body shivering at how well you’re taking him and how wet you are. This feels so much better than he ever thought it would.
“That’s good, Jungkook,” you pant, though you see that he’s not all the way inside.
He’s huge, and you could feel the ridges of his length glide inside you and you feel so full; it hurts but he feels so good.
“You can move now,” you tell him. “Don’t stop until I tell you to.”
He follows, starting slowly to get the hang of it, to get the hang of you and the sight of your pleasure-filled face, half-lidded eyes and parting mouth moaning yes as he thrusts in and out of you, his pace quickening as he loses himself in how you feel taking him like this.
His low, husky tones turn into restrained growls that keep getting louder the longer he goes, and you don’t seem to mind, gripping his taut arms for support as he pounds into you relentlessly. His clenched jaw keeps him at bay, and you know he’s stopping himself somehow.
“Don’t be afraid, it hurts good. Just keep going,” you mewl.
So he does, and all he could do is bury his sweat-stained head on the pillow next to your head, afraid of the temptation to mark you if he nuzzles your neck. He knows you’re not ready for that, and he doesn’t want you to feel any more pain when your body rejects it.
You tighten your hold around him, nails scratching his back, prompting him to go even harder, faster. You find refuge on his shoulder as he lifts his head, biting him to muffle your sounds of pleasure and pain.
“f*ck, yes Jungkook,” you cry out. “Yes, yes.”
You feel the tension in your belly as he continues his fervent pounding, the delicious sting of how much he’s stretching you out and his pelvis hitting your cl*t, adding to the pleasure. You know you’re close, something you verbalize and you instruct him to just keep going.
You can’t help the scream that escapes you once you give in and your org*sm hits again, and this prompts him to stop.
He gazes at you, sweaty and panting, as if caught in a daze with what just happened.
Your c*nt clenches around him, something that he doesn’t expect, and it’s what does it for him. He pulls himself out of you in time, but ends up expelling all his cum on your torso, and you yelp in surprise.
“I’m sorry, I…” He stutters.
You watch in awe at the insane amount of it on your belly, and your eyes turn to him who’s looking guilty and worried, as if he didn’t just f*ck your brains out seconds ago.
“There’s so much, I…” he stammers again, taking his shirt and covering his co*ck, which continues to release his seed, with it.
He looks at your bewildered state and he starts to panic.
“I’ll get a washcloth and clean you up, just stay here.”
He jumps off the bed and scurries to the bathroom with a blanket wrapped around his waist, and you can make out the scratches on his back that are healing before your eyes. He takes a while, and you’re not surprised if there’s more of his cum coming out, while you lay there stiffly with the rest of it on you.
He finally comes out and cleans you, scooping his seed into the nest of tissues he made. He takes the washcloth and uses it to wipe your joint slick from the rest of your body.
Aftercare isn’t something the men you’ve slept with ever did, so you welcome this, as Jungkook gently dries you up, eyes flitting to you for approval, which you respond to with a nod and a faint smile.
He goes back to the bathroom, scratches no longer there, and you suddenly feel bare and vulnerable.
You quickly put your clothes back on and he returns to lie next to you, with him cradling you in his arms. You feel hazy and spent and you welcome this, too, welcome this tiredness and this pleasure. It’s better than anything else you’ve been feeling.
“Thank you,” you say for the second time tonight before you slowly drift to sleep.
The pain comes and goes, you remind yourself.
**
It’s warm, so warm, you think, as the bit of sunlight dances through the room. You don’t remember mornings feeling like this.
That is, until you open your eyes to the sight and feel of a bare chest against you.
The memory of last night comes rushing back - the tangerines, your breakdown, dinner, another breakdown, and Jungkook’s hard length thrusting inside you as you asked for more.
It was good, and for those moments, you didn’t feel your heart hurt; for those moments, it’s like you could forget.
He grunts at the distance you create, until he realizes you’ve woken up and his eyes open to look tenderly at you.
“Are you okay?” He asks sleepily.
“I am, thank you,” you return his shy smile.
“You don’t have to keep thanking me,” he chuckles.
But you want to. Jungkook was more than good, it’s as if he knew exactly what to do, how deep or how fast to go, how hard you want it. You feel the tightness everywhere but you don’t feel as sore as you expected; he’d taken care of you, did all the work, made sure you felt good, like you thought he would.
You look up at him.
“You’ve done that before, huh? Last night was uh, it was really good, Jungkook.”
He has an unsure look on his face.
“No, that was… that was my first time.”
The shock and guilt are immediate at the thought of last night being the first time he’d ever had sex, and you’d prompted him to give in, all because you were sad and upset.
“sh*t, sh*t,” you panic. “I took that from you. That’s not how it’s supposed to be, I—“
“Wasn’t that your first? I mean, no judgment but—”
“It wasn’t,” you sigh. “Well, it was my first time with a wolf.”
You look away and the realization dawns on him.
“Yoongi and I were waiting to be fated before we did it,” you explain.
“So was I, and well, that’s what happened.”
“I’m so sorry, Jungkook. That wasn’t right of me, I should’ve asked you first,” you say, sitting up on the bed, pulling the blanket to cover you, as if it could mask the shame you’re feeling.
“It’s okay!” He props himself up with his arm. “You’re my mate. It’s… it’s expected for us to do that.”
You cringe at this because you were in pain. It was relief, a means to cope, something you’re not exactly proud of.
Another thought enters your mind, and you immediately palm your neck to feel if the sting of his bite is there.
“I didn’t… uh, I didn’t mark you, don’t worry.”
You breathe a sigh of relief, ashamed that you did so in front of him. Bonding feels so intimate, even more than what you did last night.
You know enough of what it would mean for his kind to mark you, bond with you. It means being with him for life, for as long as possible, your own body going through changes to match his. It means continuing on with this life that you’ve found has lost its meaning all those years ago. You’re not ready for that, at least not yet.
Jungkook sensed your fear and hesitation last night when he kissed your neck, and he wouldn’t do anything you’re not ready for, and he knew you weren’t ready to be bonded with him.
He’d read the rest of your body, though - felt your heart racing, the shiver of your limbs, the hair raising on your body, the slick you produced. He could feel and smell and sense your body in all ways, that’s how he knew what to do. He may never have done this before but he knows you; that was enough to guide him on what to do.
You make out his disappointment and you don’t blame him, but this just makes you feel worse about what you’d done.
“I, uh, I have to go,” you stammer, standing up then grabbing some clothes from the closet.
Jungkook watches you head to the bathroom then out, saying you’ll just meet up with Jimin and your friends.
He can't deny the way his heart breaks a little with your departure, as he dispels the desire to lay next to you longer, maybe trace your face and feel your lips that screamed - for the first time last night - that you wanted him. He was hypnotized by your sounds and how your body spoke to him, how it ached for him, and how his did the same.
But you turned away when he tried to kiss you, became afraid at the thought of him marking you, yet your moans and how you let him continue told him you wanted it - wanted the pain and pleasure of the act.
Nothing is more important than your healing, he tells himself, and if this is how he can help, he’ll do what he needs to do to ensure that happens.
**
You sit down next to Jimin on the mat and eye the picnic that they quickly set up when you called earlier that you wanted to see them.
You’d dropped by your parents’ house to get some pastries that you know are always available then headed to one of the meadows that you, Jimin, Taehyung, and Mi-Rae used to frequent when you were teenagers.
“You guys were fast,” you say as you take some raspberries. “I called just an hour ago.”
“Got excited. It’s been a while since you did,” Jimin says. “You haven’t been out in so long.”
“Perhaps I know why,” Taehyung says, and you eye him suspiciously until you notice him sniffing.
“You and Jungkook have done the deed, haven’t you?”
His comment would’ve annoyed you greatly if it wasn’t for his slightly innocent look that borders a smirk.
“I forgot you could smell those things,” you sigh. “Wait, does that mean I could walk in a room full of werewolves and they’d smell that I’ve had sex with Jungkook?” You panic.
“No, we only can because we know your scent,” Mi-Rae explains. “And it isn’t this.”
“Great. I don’t need a sign on my head that says I had sex with my mate,” you scowl.
“Wait, does that mean…” Mi-Rae pushes the sweater off your shoulder to expose your neck.
“You haven’t… I mean, there’s no mark…” she trails.
“I wasn’t ready and I guess he sensed it so he didn’t,” you say, putting it as simply as you can because you don’t want to be reminded of how selfish you actually are.
“So that was what, just something like you did with the guys you slept with when you were away?” Taehyung asks incredulously, and you don’t blame him for the accusing and bitter tone of his voice but you also don’t need this right now.
“I broke down last night, okay?” You snap. “I was fine for days and then I wasn’t again and he asked what I wanted and I just… I didn’t want another night feeling like sh*t,” you heave. “It won’t happen again.”
“But do you know what ha—“
Mi-Rae covers Taehyung’s mouth before he says anything more, and you’re thankful that your friends at least don’t totally hate you. It is, after all, their Beta that you’re using to quell the emotions you have that you can’t seem to face properly.
“I just… I don’t know what else to do that isn’t crying or moping or wishing Yoongi was still alive,” your lips start to quiver. “It’s tiring to be sorry for myself for so long.”
You’re met with silence and you hate that you’d ruined today for all of you.
“Let’s talk about something else, can we?” You pick on your food. “I’m angry at myself enough, I can’t have you feel that towards me, too.”
You go about the rest of the day with none of the three mentioning it again, although you feel them skirting around the topic, worried about how you’d react if they bring it up again.
You all stay at the meadow for a while then watch a movie at the local theatre, then you quickly text Jungkook that you’ll be having dinner at your parents’ house. It’s later in the night when you get home to his sleeping form, and he briefly wakes up to ask if you’re okay and if you need anything. You say no and turn to your side, afraid to face him and once more see the disappointment in his eyes.
**
Jungkook knows you’re avoiding him.
You’d stayed out the whole day yesterday and if it wasn’t for him feeling you stare at him this morning - then you, quickly pretending to sleep when his eyes opened - he would’ve thought you’d regretted what happened. You still could; you’re more hesitant and wary than you are angry and detached, and he feels he knows why.
You’re just about to avoid him again in the kitchen when he blocks your way, his hand gently holding your arms. His head lowers to face your bowed one, prompting you to look at him.
“You don’t have to feel bad about what happened, and I know you are,” he says, his voice soft.
You look at his pleading eyes while yours are filled with the apology you can’t say.
“I agreed even if I knew what it meant for you,” he continues. “You needed someone and I’m supposed to be there for you. I wanted to be there for you. I know how sometimes, we need to feel something else other than pain. And if that’s how I can help you get through it, then, I’ll just keep being there for you. In that way.”
He knows, and he doesn’t mind.
“Jungkook…” you trail, not wanting to treat him like just some warm body to sate your needs. “That wasn’t fair to you; this isn’t fair to you. I can’t ask you to just… fulfill those needs when you and I don’t…”
Love each other, you don’t say.
He knows this, too, but he goes on.
“It was the first time you slept properly, with no bad dreams, no whimpering or crying, no tossing and turning… you seemed at peace,” he reasons.
“I was probably just tired, I mean, you’re big and your stamina is insane…” you fake a laugh.
“Maybe, but it also helped you release your anger somehow,” he shrugs. “I’m just saying, if you need more of that then, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere and I… I really want to help in whatever way I can, ___. Please let me.”
He looks sincere, shy even at the proposal, and much as you hate putting him in this position, you also know he’s right. It helped, and he’s willing. Maybe he could let out his own frustrations on you, too, but you don’t say it. Instead, you wrap your arms around his waist and hug him.
“Okay,” you say, as you feel him sigh and wrap his arms around you, too. “Thank you.”
**
Jungkook keeps his word.
Some days and nights are harder than others. There are still times when you’re dazed and detached, in contrast to those when you’re more engaged and active. It’s a tiring roller coaster of emotions, but during the moments when you’re haunted by a memory or you feel that stinging pain of loss, you seek him.
It’s mindless cuddles in the morning that turn sensual, as you guide his hand in places that yearn for his touch and the next thing you know, he’s turning you on your side then he enters you from behind. Thrusts are lazy but intentional, enough to keep you unfeeling for the rest of the day.
It’s sleepless nights when you’re tossing and turning, then you lay on his chest, until your hands roam his body and you find yourself on his lap, with him pulling you as he pushes inside you relentlessly. His strength is unmatched and he always leaves you spent and unable to think of anything else but your tired body and the aftermath of the pleasure coursing through your veins.
You feel terrible, but Jungkook doesn’t make you feel that way. He always holds you after, loose enough for you to pull away but you rarely do. He whispers “it’s okay” constantly, reminding you that he’s not leaving your side and he understands, and you never ask him why.
For Jungkook, resisting you is the hardest part.
Mating is customarily done on the night of the Ceremony. Given your circ*mstances, however, he didn’t expect that to happen; your coldness was enough of a tell that it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.
It’s natural for him as a werewolf to seek his mate’s body - to protect, to hold, to make love, to breed. Whether love is present or not, the moment his kind is matched, there’s that desire to feel one with his mate in the most primitive way; it’s the animal in him.
But his other half - you - isn't wired that way. Sex may be a physiological function for humans but that’s what it is - a function. One does not need to tie it to an emotional attachment or purpose of procreation the way he needs to, and he satiates your need every time because he wants to create a connection with you, which is opposite to the reason that you choose not to kiss him - you don’t want that bond; you’re not ready for it.
He likes holding you, he likes it when you let him touch you in places that elicit the most hypnotizing sounds from you. He likes the feel of you next to him, against him, around him. The wolf in him awakens at the scent of your arousal and your soft touch and the way your body moves when you’re lost in the pleasure that he gives you. He wants to lose himself in you, make you feel more of what he can give and what he can do, but he doesn’t want to hurt you, he doesn’t want to scare you.
He’d wanted so many times to feel your lips against his, to know how else you taste like, but you cut him off like you don’t want that piece of him, that piece he’s willing to give - his broken heart. And with every shiver of your body when he gets close to your neck - the movement that tells him you fear his mark - it breaks him. But he told you he wants to be what you need, and right now, all he is, is a distraction, a band-aid solution.
He yearns for you; sometimes he thinks he just yearns for someone, someone who isn’t the one he lost, the one he also couldn’t be with. But he at least wants to try so it’s now you he wants to love. It’s tiring, being like this, doing this. It takes too much from him, and it’s not something he can replace.
But he hears you cry and he’s weak for you, because all he wants is for you to feel better, for you to forget. The mate in him wants to protect you from your pain and if this is how he can do it, then he’ll keep on doing it until there’s none of him left.
It’s ironic how you both want to forget someone you once loved by taking each other, yet he wants to give all of himself to you while you keep him at bay, limiting what he can get and what you give. He hopes he can do more, he knows he can, but you won’t let him. It seems like right now, this is all you want from him.
And as you bite your lips and scream his name as he pounds into you relentlessly after another bad day, he wants nothing more than for you to look at his eyes, to see him plead for you to want him, too, in more ways than this. He wants you to see the ache in them and let you know that he understands you, and to let that be what binds you to him, even if that’s all you want to give - your pain.
**
It’s been 2 months since Yoong passed.
It’s hard enough that you have to grieve the loss of a best friend; you have to do that for a lover, too. It’s too much, you think, too much for you to carry.
You hate yourself most days. You don’t love life the way you used to. You don’t recall the last time you looked at the moon and marveled at its beauty or at the sun and soaked up its rays. Birds chirp and you act like they’re nothing; the swaying of the flowers in the wind doesn't make you stop and watch.
You’re irritable, impatient, more detached than you are present. Sometimes you don’t know why Jungkook bears with you the way he does. He doesn’t leave your side and he lets you do what you want even if it’s unfair to him, even if it hurts him. Because you’ve seen it - his pleading eyes, the ones that ask you to let him in.
It’s not easy for you to do that. There’s too much resentment and loss and yearning that fill you, and his kindness sometimes just reminds you of how undeserving you are of the life you’ve always wanted, of whatever it is he’s willing to give.
You’re thankful for him, you hurt for him, but you also want to be angry at him. Why does it seem so easy for him to just keep trying?
He doesn’t know what loss is like, you think to yourself. You may be his other half as the Moon declared, but Jungkook doesn’t know what it’s like to know exactly what was lost, and to feel that hole inside you grow bigger and bigger and not be able to let it stop.
You wander around on your own today. You think you’re ready for it. You’ve known nothing but the cabin and your office and your parents’ house and you need to be somewhere new.
New, insofar as a place you haven’t been to since you left for the city those years ago. You find yourself in one of the fields that Yoongi used to take you to. He liked the sound of the river not far away; it reminded you of a soft hum of a lullaby, you’d told him.
You lay on the grass with your arms behind your head and stare up at the sky. You try to find it beautiful again. You try to bask in the feel of the sun and force yourself to listen to the birds flying by.
Then, for the briefest moment, you remember. You remember how they used to make you feel, as you trace the charms on your bracelet. They’re wonderful, soothing, captivating like they always are. And you drift to sleep at the memory of what you loved about life and wanting to just be in this moment for a while, hoping they’ll last long enough for once.
The sun has started to descend when you open your eyes, and the cool breeze and rushing sound of the river tell you enough - you’ve been asleep for a while. You know that Jungkook is bound to be worried, so you get on your feet and are about to leave, but the pull of the water feels too much. This place means so much to you and you want to say hi again, and then goodbye.
So you turn the other direction and head towards the river, a smile gracing your face at the sufficient light that lets you see the red wildflowers perched on the riverbed.
You walk towards them, wanting to pick one and dry the petals to keep in Yoongi’s locket to preserve more of his memory, of your memory.
Your sneakers help keep your feet dry but not in keeping you steady on the small rocks. You wobble your way until you’re able to reach for a flower, feeling accomplished as you admire its beauty and feel the nostalgia wash over you.
The happiness doesn’t last long, though, as you become aware of another presence in the river.
You’ve lived in these mountains for years and have always known to be wary of the wild animals that roam around. You’d luckily never come across them, and Taehyung once said that the wolves have, for centuries, done their duty of protecting the town from dangers like this.
You suddenly remember that morning you woke up not long ago, seeing Jungkook’s lacerated arm and how a bear was caught in a trap. He’d mentioned that they’ve been coming closer to the populated areas, looking for food.
It’s probably why there’s one, several meters away from you, its monstrous growl causing a shiver down your spine. You make the mistake of looking at it, the fear radiating off of you probably prompting it to move closer.
It’s huge, and it looks angry. It definitely looks hungry. You’ve never felt fear like this before, and you realize that your last-minute decision to come out here is your undoing. You don’t have an escape, but if you stay rooted on this riverbed, you might as well just be a sitting duck, waiting to be devoured.
So you do the only thing you can think of - walk back. The bear comes closer as you do, watching your every move.
Your eyes remain on the creature when it should be where you’re walking, because right as you place your foot behind you, there’s nothing to put it on. You miss a step, and your foot gets buried in the water, causing you to lose your balance and hit your head on the big rock.
You feel your shirt get soaked. The water is cold as it runs over you. You feel pain on your head and in other parts of your body. The sound of the current is loud but it doesn’t drown out the terrifying growl of the beast, getting nearer and nearer. Your vision is blurry but you still see the massive black figure come closer and closer. Your heart stops at its short, sharp teeth, with strings of saliva across them, and its large paws and deadly claws ready to snap you in half.
And then it’s gone.
A dark brown figure appears out of nowhere. There’s more growling, but howling, too. You’re scared more than anything, unable to move with your foot still stuck between rocks underwater, your arms barely able to wrap around where you’re lying with your front getting soaked. Everything hurts even more and there’s not much else to do but cry and wait for this to end, however it will.
Your mind starts to drift as your eyes flutter close, the shock overtaking your body.
It’s not long after when you feel suspended, as something takes hold of you and the wet rock you were hanging onto for dear life turns to dry and soft fur, tickling your nose. You feel the breeze on your body and you’re cold, shivering as you gather what little energy you have to hold onto this creature.
There’s more howling and more growling. You don’t know how long you feel like flying past the meadows but a familiar set of houses comes into view - hazy but there. The next thing you know, you’re being carried somewhere, and there’s buzzing, lots of chattering and panicked cries.
You try to feel yourself, what parts hurt, what parts are missing. Then you feel it. Your bracelet is gone. You try to cry but nothing comes out.
Scared, obsidian eyes are the last thing you see before yours close, and for the briefest moment, you wish it was for good.
**
Your eyes feel heavy when you open them. The light is blinding and you squint to try to make out where you are.
There are lanterns hanging over your head - purple and yellow, your favorite colors. There are flowers on your left and a birdhouse near the window. Not far away are bookshelves; it’s how you know you’re home. In your room. At your parents’ house.
You try to move your body to see what hurts but everything does - your head is heavy and there’s a hollowness you hear. Things are faint and you’re dizzy, but you know it’s Jimin when he enters your room.
“Hey, you’re awake,” he says in his calming voice. “Can you talk? How do you feel?”
“How long have I been out?” You groggily ask.
“Three days. You were on and off yesterday, though.”
He sits on the bed next to you. “Do you remember much?”
“They’re a bit hazy,” you mumble, turning away, the light from outside bothering you. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Concussion, a head wound, a sprained ankle,” he informs you, flicking the blinds off. “But you’re alright. Just give yourself some time.”
You nod, trying to still make sense of what happened, how you got here, how you survived.
“How did I get here?”
“Jungkook found you and took you to Amma’s to be treated, but you asked to be taken here. And you—“
The door opens and the same scared eyes you last saw are looking at you.
“You’re awake. You’re fine,” Jungkook sighs, as if comforting himself. “Are… are you—“
You reflexively move your arm away when he reaches out, unsure why you do. But the pained look in his eyes burns, and the pang in your chest aches more than you expect it to.
He saved you, as you know he would, and somehow you hate that he did.
“I… I’d like to be alone first,” you mutter.
Jungkook huffs but accepts your request, the hurt in his eyes lingering on you, but he turns around as Jimin stands from your bed.
You pull your cousin’s wrist to stop him. “Jimin, can you stay?”
From your periphery, you see Jungkook stop in his tracks but he doesn’t look back. He just walks out and gently closes the door.
**
You stare at the ceiling, the darkness a comforting companion tonight. Somehow it reflects what you feel inside, with the slivers of light making their way through. But the dimness of things overshadows what remaining glimmer there is.
That comfort should be your mate, Jungkook, who’s currently sleeping on the floor; the rumbling sounds escaping him are louder than usual.
You’d heard from Mi-Rae how he had you on his back, ran all the way to Amma’s, and hadn’t left your side since. He’d just gone back from the cabin to bring your clothes earlier, but even with you turning him away, he still silently entered your room and laid on the mattress, with no other words said.
You didn’t protest. You don’t really know what to say; your aversion is enough to tell him that you don’t want him around. For the briefest moment that you wanted things to end, Jungkook made sure it didn’t. He made sure you’re safe, like always; he made sure you weren’t even more hurt, like always; he made sure you’re not alone, like always.
And you have nothing to give him, nothing to give anyone, not even yourself. Yet he’s here, without fail, and you resent him for it. You needed his comfort then and he gave it and he continues to, but a part of you wishes he gives up on you, just so it’s easier to keep feeling sorry for yourself. You were already doing better, and all it took was one moment to lose all that progress.
There’s no greater pain than love lost, you read once. But what makes the pain last is that after losing that love, you start to lose everything else. That includes yourself.
**
Jungkook strolls mindlessly as he makes his way back to your parents’ house. He’d woken up this morning, feeling the same helplessness that’s been overtaking him since you got hurt, since you lost Yoongi, or rather, since the Ceremony when you were fated with him.
Your mother advised him to take a walk this morning, thinking it better than staying at your porch and just waiting for you to walk down the stairs and ask him to take you home like last time.
Home. Your home isn’t with him, you reminded him of that.
The first time you woke up days ago at Amma’s, your head still heavy and everything else a blur, you said you didn’t want to be there.
“Take me home,” you’d told Baram, who was tending to your head wound.
“Alright, Jungkook will bring you to the cabin and—“
“No, that’s not home. Take me home,” you’d insisted.
The words broke him in ways he didn’t expect; they still ring in his head like a bad dream that won’t go away.
He doesn’t know what else to do. You were doing better, but like what your grandfather told him one time, only you decide when you’re fine; nobody can do that for you. But what happens when you don’t want to try?
Jungkook knew you were close to giving up. His wolf had taken over that evening when you’d been gone too long and he went looking for you, the faintest heartbeat he knows is yours urging him to find you. Even from far away as he was running towards you, he could see your unmoving body, as if you were just waiting.
The beast aimed to hurt you, and Jungkook got there in time to fight it off and hoist you on his back and make the way to Amma’s to save what remains of your spirit, but it’s as if you don’t want that anymore, too.
Even now, as your parents tell him that you still refuse to eat your food and take the medicines and herbs that have been prepared for you.
He wants you to try, to live and not just survive. He wants you to believe it’s still possible. That you can do that with him.
Jungkook enters the room and sees you sitting up on your bed, back against the bed frame and arms crossed, eyes away from the food that’s in front of you.
“___, you have to eat,” he says sternly for the first time.
“I don’t feel like it.”
“You haven’t eaten for days. You need your energy back.”
He sits on the bed, prompting you to look at him, and your tired, sullen eyes with the tinge of disdain that look back at him cause him to lose all energy as well.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m fine.”
“It does, you could’ve died!” He exclaims desperately, voice loud now, his heart beating erratically at being hysterical like this towards you.
“Well, you should’ve let me!” You scream. “That would’ve been better than living with nothing to look forward to, to be happy about, no one to love. I don’t know what’s left of me, I don’t have anything more inside of me.”
Your tears flow silently, and your tired heart aches at the words you say.
“Yoongi may be gone but that doesn’t mean you should be gone with him,” Jungkook urges. “You still have your friends and your family. You… you have me.”
It’s those pleading eyes again. They’re begging for you to give him a chance, to give this a chance.
But you push the hand he reaches out away.
Because sometimes, that’s what broken people do - they hurt the ones who care for them, they hurt the ones who matter. They’d rather let the broken pieces stay that way, afraid of what they’ll become when someone tries to put them back together.
“I didn’t want this. I didn’t want you.”
You see the life drain from his face at your words, cutting him into pieces, the way you are right now.
He stands and turns away because he doesn’t want you to see him hurt.
You think he turns away because he doesn't want to see him hurt you.
“You think you’re the only one?” He asks, voice so low you almost don’t hear it.
“I didn’t want this, either. I try, everyday, because I know it’s the only way, but it’s hard to keep doing that for someone who’s not willing to give me a chance.”
He chokes back tears, a sound you’ve never heard before, and you struggle to stop yourself from crying even more.
“You don’t… you don’t know what it’s like to lose anyone, Jungkook. You can’t…” you stammer.
He sighs and takes a while to respond.
“You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone the way you did. But I also had someone I loved who loved me back, who wanted me, who saw a future with me. But the Moon decided that we weren’t meant to be.”
He turns towards you this time, and those scared, apologetic eyes hold nothing but pain, pain that you recognize.
“There’s a certain kind of hurt from seeing the person you love be taken from you, fated to another far greater, see her slowly fall in love with your brother, and watch her live a life you both thought you’d have.”
Jungkook’s voice cracks. What he’d lost is so clear, like he’d seen it just an hour ago; in fact he did.
“They’d been written in the stars long before I even existed, and I thought we were going to live this life together, but that just wasn’t our fate.”
You open your mouth to try to say something but nothing comes out.
“I’ll never know what it’s like to have someone you love pass away, ___. And I’ll always be sorry for what you had to go through. Yoongi is a memory, but I lose Jin-Ae every moment.”
You stiffen, your heart breaking for Jungkook this time at the revelation.
“She takes a piece of me everyday when I see her, hear her laugh, see her smile, see her happy knowing it’s not because of me, not anymore. Because she’s fallen in love with Namjoon, as she’s meant to, while I can’t even get my own mate to want me around.”
“Jungkook…”
“Don’t,” he turns away. “I can’t hurt any more than this.”
He walks out the door and stops at the sound of you sobbing, and it takes so much of him not to run back inside and take you in his arms and hold you until you stop, until you say you’re okay, until you smile again.
“It’s okay,” Mi-Rae tells him, sensing his desire to comfort you but knowing that would take a lot from him again.
“We’re here for her,” she continues, motioning to Taehyung and Jimin who all have heard what transpired. “Think about yourself right now. She’ll need you after this. Just give her more time.”
**
Jungkook only shifts into wolf form when he has to patrol and hunt. Sometimes he even does those in human form but right now, he just wants to get away.
His ability to run as fast as he can takes him to one of the mountain peaks, taking his clothes with him as he shifts back and watches the rest of the world continue on.
He didn’t mean to unload on you, and he already knows the next time he sees you, he’s going to apologize. But everything just hurt and he couldn’t hold himself back.
His cabin isn’t your home and it pains him to think this, so he went to the pack house earlier upon your mother’s urging for him to take a walk, not knowing where else to go. The sound of children squealing had caught his attention. Her children.
Jungkook hasn’t been staying there long since she’s given birth, the image of what he could’ve had was just too much for him to bear.
His eyes found her and saw the smile that once made him grateful that he could live a long life and be able to one day wake up to that. She’s happy, as she deserves. Jin-Ae was the brightest star in his sky and he protected her as if his life depended on it. Now someone else gets to do that, and Jungkook has been trying his hardest to be happy ever since.
Namjoon’s laugh cut through the squealing. Jungkook used to make fun of how low and unrefined his brother’s laughter was for an Alpha. Namjoon laughed then, teased him that he probably sounds more like an Alpha than he does.
It’s a cruel joke when he was reminded of it earlier. Sometimes Jungkook thinks how much easier it would’ve been if it was him - maybe not the Alpha, but the one who was fated to Jin-Ae. It must be good, to be with the one you love and to be loved back. He’d felt that.
But like you, the Moon decided it was not for him. What if he fought for her, what would’ve happened? What kind of life would he lead if he was with someone who wanted him just as much? Because she did at one point. But she’d moved on as she said that spring before you arrived.
Jungkook held onto Jin-Ae like an oath he wouldn’t break, afraid he’d break with it if he did. She’d given him her heart, unknowing that someone else was meant to have it, and when her identity was discovered, that was all it took for the connection to manifest, and it had been an easier time for her to get over what she thought was a love meant to last with Jungkook and move on to the love that was destined with Namjoon.
Jin-Ae barely thought of herself as anyone special, until she found out the truth about herself. Until she found out about her great love. Jungkook turned out to be just a footnote of that one.
It took months for him to recover; he took the pain and let it overtake him for just as long. But he had to keep on going, knowing that his love for her and Namjoon was too great to let it continue hurting him, to let it hurt them. So Jungkook tried hard, everyday, to let it go.
He’d seen you that night at the Ceremony for the first time since he lost a part of himself and saw your pain; he knew you’d understand what it felt like to lose someone to something far greater than you could imagine and he hoped that one day, you’d see his pain, too, something he’d never been brave enough to show others because unlike you, he didn’t want to keep feeling it, afraid it would consume him.
But you let yourself feel yours. He always thought you were brave for doing that; it shows less of you not being able to let go and more of you ensuring that you’ll always keep a part of Yoongi because he’s meant that much. Human beings are sacred like that - they let others live in them; no one ever really dies.
It’s why it hurts Jungkook the way it does to see you wither away, to let yourself go the way you are. You’re stronger than you think, and much more than what you lost. He wishes he got to tell you all this, though, and he suddenly hates himself for holding back.
He wants you to feel that joy again, even if it’s not something he’s fully seen before.
When you stayed at your parents’ place for a week after Yoongi passed, Jungkook got to know you.
Your grandfather told stories of all the times he looked after you when your parents were busy at work, and how you helped him recover parts of himself that he lost when your grandmother died. You smiled all the time, he’d said, eyes so big and bright whenever there was a new story he told. Whether it was a fairytale or a fable or a classic story of heroes, you always stayed awake and looked at him with the softest eyes.
You found beauty in everything, Jimin had said. He didn’t understand why you cooed over the sky or stopped to watch the flowers sway; he didn’t know how you could look at the same sun and the same moon and watch them glow like it’s the first time.
“You forget things are beautiful when you stop looking,” you’d told your cousin once, and Jimin knows you’d stopped looking at one point.
Baram said she always loved to tease you. She’d been the spoiled one growing up who loved to get attention while you didn’t, and she’d never tell you but your attention is what she craved most. She always wanted to be like you - warm and caring. You learned to cook because she was picky with her food, learned to sew because she didn’t like her dolls’ clothes, learned to ride a scooter so you could pick her up from school. You let her shine as bright as she does, Baram had said, and she’ll always be thankful you love her the way you do.
Taehyung and Mi-Rae took turns talking about how you’d been the one to make them realize their feelings for each other, how you prepared dinner for the 3 of you in your garden and didn’t show up, how you mirrored the best parts of them and reminded them when they’d forgotten.
Jungkook savored all those stories. He can’t say he’s surprised. He’d seen snippets of those parts of you in the months you’ve been living together, but it was as if you’re just remembering who you used to be and had forgotten that you’re still the same person; losing a big part of you doesn’t mean the rest of you is gone.
Jungkook thinks back to the times he’d seen you smile, or looked up at the sky, or savored the scent of your tea, or delightfully watched the way your marshmallows roasted in the fire when you both stayed in one snowy night and made s’mores. He wants to see more, wants to know you more, wants to hold your hand when he does.
He returns to his wolf form. He knows one way that could happen.
**
You let Mi-Rae’s soft fingers run through your hair and give you some sense of relief as you continue to sniff and wipe away your tears. You’ve been crying for hours, and you’re unsure if it’s because you hurt Jungkook or you despise yourself for doing that to him.
You can’t imagine what it’s like, to be reminded of your what if’s everyday in a form of a love that you thought was yours, and to see the person you love build a life with someone else that you could’ve had. You’re not comparing your pain with his; as he said, he can’t imagine what it’s like losing someone the way you did. But you could at least recognize pain caused by not being with the person you thought you were meant to be with, and this morning, you’d seen it in his eyes.
He’d been trying to hide it, you think, and you feel terrible for not noticing, for not trying, for not wondering why they always seemed so caring, so apologetic, so understanding.
“Did everyone know about them?” You ask, wondering if you’d lived too much in your own world to notice.
“It wasn’t newsflash or anything,” Mi-Rae answers. “We all knew that Jungkook was her protector and she always enjoyed hiking and exploring the forest on her own. It made her get to know herself more, she said once, since that’s where they found her.”
Interesting enough that you have that in common with Jin-ae, you think.
“But Jungkook was always quiet, just did his job and followed her around. I guess spending that much time together could make two people feel something, you know?” Your friend continues. “I mean, she was trying to get to know herself, he was trying to learn how to be a Beta… perhaps they found comfort in figuring out life together.”
You wonder if it’s still possible to figure out how to heal and move on together, too.
“But, people never talked about it? I never heard it from you guys,” you question.
“It seemed like there was something there if one paid enough attention,” Taehyung responds. “But no one really said anything; people respected them enough not to. But during that Ceremony when Jin-Ae and Namjoon were fated, you could tell something was off. Jungkook left the pack house to build his own cabin in the mountain the next day, and he just said it helps with patrols. We rarely saw him after that.”
You take this all in. You wouldn’t have known. You stopped paying attention a long time ago. Even before Yoongi left, you sought beauty in things more than you did in people, in your own relationships and not others’. You were content with what you had, with who was around.
Yoongi was the same and you basked in that ordinariness. Just two people living - that was enough. Jungkook probably felt that, too, until the love he wanted for himself was taken away, just like you.
“All this time I kept thinking he’s just been blindly believing in all this, you know?” You sigh. “Like, there’s a role he has to play and he’ll keep pretending there’s something there when there isn’t. And I just hated how easy it seemed for him to believe in all this, to believe in me, in us.”
“It’s the only thing he could do, ___,” Jimin chimes in. “When you lose the one thing you believe in, you have to start believing in something else again. It’s kind of a survival thing, I guess, otherwise you’re just lost.”
“But what if this new thing you believe in doesn’t want to believe in you?” You utter the words, painful as they come out of your mouth, knowing it’s what Jungkook is feeling.
“Then you’re just hurt. And all alone. Who wants to live a life like that?”
**
Jungkook doesn’t come to your room that night nor the next. Baram says he’s just making up for the patrol duties he’s missed and observing a lone wolf that someone spotted nearby.
You know this isn’t the whole truth though. You shouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t want to see you right now. You’d pierced a hole in his heart that wasn’t even done healing from another wound; you’d resent yourself, too, if you were him.
It’s 3 days later when you ask Mi-Rae and Taehyung to drive you back to the cabin. You’re still recovering from a concussion but your head wound is healing and your ankle is doing better. You think staying home will just make you more anxious, especially without Jungkook visiting. You realize aside from when you were unconscious, this is the longest you’ve not seen him.
You don’t miss the slight emptiness you feel at the thought.
You enter and see that the bed is made. You go to the living room and see a pillow on the couch and Jungkook’s wolf bed by the fireplace, and you know he’d been sleeping here and not in the bedroom.
“You sure you’ll be alright?” Taehyung asks as he drops your bag on the floor.
“Yeah, I’ll just, uh, I’ll just wait for Jungkook,” you manage a smile.
“Okay. No moving around and heavy lifting, okay?” Mi-Rae hugs you. “Call when you need anything. Sorry we can’t stay any longer.”
“I will, and don’t worry. You have family duties. Go on now,” you affectionately push your friends out the door. “Bye!”
You stay in bed and try to get some rest, hoping that when you wake up, Jungkook is back home, but try as you might, you can’t seem to calm down.
You’re restless. You pace back and forth in the room and try to find something to clean to get time moving but there’s nothing to do; everything is as they should be. You stay outside but the breeze is too cool for the afternoon, so you settle on the couch and just wait.
It’s sunset by the time you decide to start preparing dinner, and you hope this could take your mind off things, make you feel capable again. A part of you hopes he’ll catch the scent and just come home.
But it’s another 2 hours of waiting. You’ve left the stew on the stove, and you grip your cup of tea and wait at the dining table when you hear the door open.
His eyes widen at the sight of you, turning to the kitchen, then back at you.
“You’re back,” he tries not to sound surprised. “And you cooked,” he now sighs. “You should be resting, ___.”
“So should you,” you reply, trying not to sound like you’re nagging. “You’ve been out all day. Where have you been?”
“I don’t ask you that when you’re out all day,” he says softly.
You deserve that, you know, and you try to hide the effect of his words on you.
“How did you know I was at the river?” You ask, thinking back to how far out you were that day and how Jungkook was able to find you.
“I can smell you from miles away, ___. You’re still my mate even if you don’t acknowledge it.”
This causes a pang on your chest but you let it.
“So… did you go on a hunt?” You change the topic.
“Yeah, for this.”
He places your bracelet on the table, and you can make out some scratches on the charms but they’re complete, it’s intact, and suddenly you feel like crying. You thought you’d lost this, afraid that it was a sign that you’re losing Yoongi for good. It’s one of the reasons why you were so angry. You went there to reminisce, not to lose him even more.
“You found it. How did you—”
“You weren’t wearing it, and you never go without it,” Jungkook mumbles, turning away. “I figured you dropped it somewhere. It was stuck on the flowerbed. It’s a good thing it didn’t float away.”
“You spent all day looking for it?”
“Days. I traced the entire trip.”
You feel your lips quiver at the thought of Jungkook spending the last few days looking for this, while you spent all of it worried and feeling sorry and upset that he hadn’t come see you.
“You didn’t have to, Jungkook.”
You’re right, he didn’t have to, but he’d seen it missing when he took you to your parents’ and he knew you were going to be devastated if you lost it. You kept holding onto your wrist reflexively even when you were asleep and after he’d run to the mountain, he just knew he had to find it.
He had a piece of Jin-Ae, too. It was a necklace she’d given when he turned 18, and he never took it off, until that day when he decided he had no choice but to let her go, and he threw it in a river and watched it float away.
He had to, otherwise he’d just keep living with his biggest what if, and he knew he couldn’t keep doing that. It’s different with you, though. Yoongi’s gone, and it’s more than the loss of love that you mourn, it’s the loss of him.
“It’s a piece of Yoongi,” he says. “And he’s a big part of you. You can’t lose anymore. I can’t… I can’t let you.”
You can’t stop the tears that fall. Despite the hurt that Jungkook went through, despite the hurt you caused him, he wanted to make sure you didn’t have to go through any more. You’ve been in pain and so has he. Your heart aches at the memory, while his heart aches at the present, yet he still chooses you, chooses to protect you and be with you.
He wipes your cheeks, stained with all the words you can’t say, but still, you try.
“I’m so sorry, Jungkook.”
“It’s okay, ___. And I’m sorry, too.”
He takes you in his arms and hugs you, knowing it’s all he can do for now. You’re back and you’re safe and with everything that’s happened, he can’t ask for anything more. This is enough, he thinks, as your arms wrap around his body. He’ll hope for you to try with him again another time.
**
A week passes and you feel like your old self again - physically, at least. That has much to do with Jungkook doing his best, as always, to take care of you. Even if the first night when you got back was a lot harder than you expected - with Jungkook spending the entire night with his back turned towards you - things got somewhat better after.
He’d wake up around the same time as you, sometimes a little later, and while you get ready for work, he prepares your breakfast and packs you lunch so you won’t have to go out to buy it. You insisted that you could ride your scooter, and it took a lot of back-and-forth before he agreed, but you’d come home to dinner and hot water for your bath.
He’d ice your ankle, dress your wound, and make sure you take your medicines. You’d woken up a few mornings with his arm on your waist and some distance between you, and neither of you minded. You’d gone about your days, had shallow talk about how they went, and mostly continued on in silence.
You try not to mind, as he often goes to bed right after, prompting you to lay next to him and take another few hours before you fall asleep. You’re often on your sides though, or on your backs, but not facing each other. There’s too much that happened for that kind of closeness again, you think.
With your renewed energy, you decide to bake your walnut pies. You hadn’t visited Amma since that day you got injured, and you’d been wanting to send her something as a thank you for taking care of you.
Jungkook had left for work, you assume, as he’d missed a lot of days. You take the trip to Amma’s in your scooter and enter the residence, always amused at it never being empty. It’s just a large space where people come together, any time of day, but it’s not hard to spot her; she’s always just there, talking with everyone.
“___, sweetie,” she spots and approaches you. “You look well. I’m glad you’re doing better.” Her hug is deep, warm, like always.
She takes the pie and walks you to the kitchen.
“This smells wonderful. Your grandfather’s recipe, isn’t it? More like, your great great grandfather’s,” she smiles, taking a bite. “It’s pretty amazing how it’s always tasted this good.”
You laugh, being reminded of her age.
“I just wanted to thank you and everyone who helped me that day. I don’t know what would’ve happened if, uh…”
“If Jungkook hadn’t found you,” she finishes.
“And if you hadn’t helped me,” you continue.
“Well, everyone here was pretty distressed at the sight of Jungkook being hysterical. They’ve never seen the Beta with that much emotion.”
You smile, unable to imagine Jungkook being frantic.
“You worried him a lot, you know?”
“I do,” you hum. “I don’t really know how to repay him.”
“You can start by trying. Or trying again,” she advises. “That boy has always carried the world on his shoulders and I don’t know how to make him slow down. Maybe he’ll listen to you.”
“I don’t know about that,” you mumble. “All I’ve done is hurt him. I don’t really know how to comfort him or something. He seems to be the only one doing that between us.”
“You’ll learn how to. Or he’ll tell you. Either way, as long as you’re ready, you’ll know.”
Somehow it seems like the most useless yet most striking advice that Amma could give you, but you nod as if you understand what she meant, then follow her out in the living room where she offers the pie to the others.
It’s the people flocking to where you are that’s your cue to leave, and you tell her you’ll just wander out in the garden and pick some flowers. She gives you another hug and you step out, feeling as if you hadn’t been here in so long, apart from being brought here unconscious and learning about what happened to Yoongi.
You continue walking, smiling at the birds chirping, and then at the sight of the pond that you used to run to when you were little.
Your smile falls, however, at the sight of Jungkook’s sullen eyes as he stares out at the water. You’re about to walk towards him when another presence appears, and you don’t miss the way your heart cracks a little when you see Jin-Ae walk towards him, and he turns around to look at her.
There’s distance between them but you see the familiarity in how they speak to each other. But even more is the comfort in her eyes, and you imagine her voice, too, and you see Jungkook’s lips turn up a little, and perhaps that is what hurts more. You realize you don’t really know how to make him smile, or to comfort him, or to make him feel better.
It feels too intimate, as if you’re intruding, so you leave and find your way back. There’s not much to do at the cabin so you decide to stay here for a while and wander around. There’s a lot of space to just sit and admire the large trees and beds of flowers here.
Time passes and you’re near one of the smaller ponds where baby ducks are cooling off when Jin-Ae sits next to you, and you suddenly feel self-conscious, not because she’s your Luna, but because she’s Jungkook’s first love.
“It’s nice seeing you here,” she starts. “There’s a lot of things to marvel at here, you know? It’d be great to see you around more.”
“Just felt like I needed a change of scenery, I guess,” you hum.
The silence should be unnerving, but her strength as a Luna is in her calming presence, in her gentleness that you can’t help but feel even if she’s not doing or saying anything. You don’t blame Jungkook for falling in love with someone like her. She’s kind and warm and definitely nothing like you.
“Jungkook is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met, ___,” she finally says, as if she’s been trying to hold back these words for a while, perhaps afraid of what they might imply. “He’s incredibly loving and he deserves the world. It hurts me to see him feel like he doesn’t.”
“I haven’t been good to him,” you respond, the guilt weighing on you again.
“You’ve gone through a lot, ___. It’s too much for one person to bear. But maybe that’s why he’s there, don’t you think?”
You have me, he told you once. In fact, he shows you everyday.
“Do you remember Uncle Geun? One of the caretakers here?”
You nod, recalling when Master Geun, as he was known, died almost a decade ago. The whole town visited. Everybody loved him. He tended to the gardens and always had a smile on his face.
“He was the one who found me in the forest when I was left there. I guess it’s why I got so close to him, and it was really hard when he passed because it was so sudden. I didn’t get to say goodbye,” she sighs.
“But during that time, Jungkook stood by me and never wavered. Even if it hurt him, too, because he’d gotten close to Uncle as well. He knew it hurt me more, and he made sure I never felt that I was alone.”
It’s such a Jungkook thing to do, you think. You don’t blame her for falling in love with him, too.
“Jungkook has spent his life looking out for others. And not just the town but the people he cares about. Me, at one point, and now you,” she smiles. “He’s always been our strength and I really don’t know where he gets his from.”
Her smile is pleading but kind as she continues. “I hope one day he can get it from you.”
**
The moon sits gently in the sky, providing Jungkook and a few others just the right amount of light to attack their last prey of the evening before they call it a night. The kill is quick, and he howls in gratitude to the Moon before shifting back to human form and strolling to the house to feed the rest of the pack.
He lets the breeze cool him down, as his mind goes back to earlier in the afternoon when he’d been at the house and his heart stopped when Jin-Ae approached him. She hadn’t done that since the Ceremony where she was fated, and he always thought it had everything to do with Namjoon. Not only is he the Alpha but he’s her mate, and Jungkook just happened to be the man who loved her before Namjoon did. He understands how that might look.
“Is it okay if we talk?” She’d asked then. “Namjoon asked me to, so you don’t have to worry.”
Jungkook nodded and told her to meet him at the pond by Amma’s place, and he hadn’t been waiting long when she arrived.
“He’s worried about you,” Jin-Ae said. “He noticed you haven’t been looking well, and I agree.”
“He’s my Alpha. Shouldn’t he be the one telling me this?”
“Believe it or not, he’s unsure how to. He knows he’s not exactly the comforting type,” she grinned.
“At least he’s self-aware,” Jungkook faintly smiled.
“It’s about her, isn’t it?”
The drop of his face said enough, but he didn’t want to say more. It’s a little complicated, but even if it should feel uncomfortable that it’s her asking him about his mate when there’s so much history between them, somehow Jungkook didn’t feel too bothered. She knew him very well at one point, he reminded himself.
“I’m okay. I’ll figure it out,” Jungkook had said then. “Tell Namjoon he doesn’t have to keep worrying. I’ve lasted this long. There’s really nowhere else to go but forward.”
“I know,” she replied, and those two words felt too heavy. Too empathetic even, because she does know. She’s done it.
“I’m glad you’re happy, Jin-Ae,” Jungkook said, the first time since.
“I am. It hurts me that you aren’t.”
Her words cut deep, but he meant it when he replied. “I’m trying.”
“I know you are, but it will make sense to her one day,” she’d comforted. “Just hang on a little more.”
The words felt empty, even for her, but he’d tried to believe in it for his sake. And for yours.
The conversation plays again in Jungkook’s mind, and as he sees the light from the pack house, he knows they’re near. But a familiar sound catches his attention, and it's not long before Jungkook sees it.
Big and black and probably hungry. Jungkook growls and shifts again. He glares at the bear with a scratch across its eye that he caused and he knows it’s the one that almost attacked you, then Jungkook sees red.
**
You wait in the kitchen with a pan of chicken waiting to be cooked. Amma gave it to you before you left her house and you decided to have it for dinner tonight. Jungkook had messaged that he’ll just go on a quick hunt and that he’d be home soon, but it’s taking longer than usual. You think maybe there’s not enough light from the moon, and you make a cup of tea and wait in the kitchen a little more.
Your mind wanders elsewhere, and you don’t even recall what you were thinking when you suddenly drop the cup and you yelp in surprise at the sound of it breaking. You start to clean and shriek again when your phone rings.
A panicked Mi-Rae cuts off your greeting. “Are you at the cabin?”
“Yes. Why do you sound like that? Is everything—“
“Okay, stay there. Taehyung is on his way.”
You hear distressed voices in the background and you feel your heart drop.
“Jungkook went on a hunt, ___. But he fell over a cliff.”
“He what?!”
“He fell and he’s unconscious. He’s barely breathing.”
Things feel hazy and all too familiar.
“Taehyung should be there, come quick.” Then the call ends.
You hear howling right outside and you run towards the door. You see Taehyung, urging you with his wails to get on his back so he could take you to where Jungkook is.
The night breeze suddenly feels colder, and as your friend charges downhill, all you could think of is that you don’t want to lose Jungkook, too.
##
