This happens sometimes, when Emily thinks too hard. She gets hung up on the notion of it all; she’s in love with her best friend. How laughable, right? She fell in love with the cute blonde, of course she did. What Emily still can’t believe, however, is that JJ feels the same way. At least, she says she does.
It’s been eight months now. Nearly an entire year filled with nights spent together in cities all across the country. Kept hidden from their team, their friends, but most importantly, Will. JJ still hasn’t come clean. It isn’t easy to come out, Emily knows that better than anyone, but being a secret is hard. She tries not to care, to tell herself that JJ is enough, in whatever capacity she gets, but she still struggles.
Emily wants it all, the dates, lazy mornings and afternoons, laughs shared over glasses of wine; a life together. She remembers that JJ already has all of that, though. With Will. It makes the brunette sick to think about it, his hands on her. Him laying in bed with her, holding her, touching her. Emily wants JJ all to herself, and maybe that’s wrong, but it’s human.
At least they have tonight, Emily tells herself.
- Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
They’re about halfway back to the hotel, the entire team crammed into one large black SUV. Hotch and Rossi are up front, with Morgan and Reid in the backseat. JJ and Emily are in the third row. The aforementioned women are currently trying not to look at each other. They both know what’s going to happen tonight, even if JJ pretends she’s against it. It’s easier for her to act like she doesn’t want this - them - in the daylight. Emily knows that, but it still stings.
The team had arrived in Pittsburgh around noon, having gone straight to the police station. They’d been chasing leads and building their profile, with no end in sight. Eventually after enough yawning from the others, Hotch had called it a night.
They pulled up to the hotel, where their bags had already been dropped off and taken to their respective rooms. They trudged into the lobby, tired as ever. Hotch collected their room keys, handing them out promptly. As usual, they’d been assigned three hotel rooms. Hotch and Rossi in the first, Morgan and Reid in the second, and finally, Emily and JJ in the third.
Emily smiled to herself after seeing the room numbers. They were all on different floors, in completely opposite directions. She and JJ wouldn’t be bothered.
“Meet back here at six sharp, we need to get started early.” Hotch declared before setting off towards the elevators with Rossi. The team split up, all off to bed.
Emily and JJ were quiet in the elevator. Its doors were reflective; painting a warped picture of the two women within itself. The brunette looked away; she couldn’t stand being this close to the object of her affections without being able to do anything about it.
When they finally arrived at their room, Emily held the door open for the blonde. She was good like that; courteous, almost gentlemanly.
“Oh, f*ck me.” She heard JJ curse from inside.
Emily closed the door behind her, locking it. She walked further in to find out the cause of the blonde’s outburst. She looked around, but didn’t understand.
“What?” Emily asked, oblivious.
“There’s only one bed.” JJ sighed, sauntering over to where her suitcase had been placed by the window, right next to Emily’s. “I was really hoping we could get through this case without…” She looked over her shoulder at the brunette, giving her a pointed look.
“What, having sex?” Emily asked, a little confused. She may be a damn good profiler, but in her personal life, she was completely clueless. “It’s fine, Jay, we don’t have to.” She knelt beside the blonde, picking up her suitcase and depositing it atop the desk in the room.
“I know we don’t. I just…” She trailed off. JJ couldn’t look at her when she said it. “He’s getting suspicious, Em. I never want to… do stuff with him anymore, not since you and I… you get what I mean.” Emily laughed lightly, JJ always got so flustered when talking about sex. “Not to mention Denver.” Emily could practically hear the other woman’s eye roll as she spoke.
“What about Denver?” The brunette asked as she gathered her sleep wear, a plain black tank top, her boxers having been pulled on this morning.
“The hickeys, Em. I mean, they were pretty much gone by the time we got back home, but still. Will’s not an idiot.” JJ stood from where she’d been kneeling by her suitcase, lifting her button-up over her head nonchalantly. She took her bra off, too, blushing a bit as she did so. The blonde then put on an oversized Georgetown tee, one Emily knew she’d had for years.
“I beg to differ. Eight months and he’s still none the wiser.” Emily took her shirt and bra off as well, sliding on the black tank. She unzipped her combat boots, kicking them off carelessly.
“How many times have I told you that pisses me off? I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I always trip on your gigantic shoes.” JJ said, chuckling slightly. The domesticity caught the brunette off guard. Emily just shrugged, tucking the boots under the desk.
“Sorry.” The vulnerability in her voice surprised her.
“It’s okay, Em. I’m just glad you don’t snore. It’s nice to have a break.” JJ smiled as she pushed her pants down her legs, discarding them next to her suitcase. As the blonde crawled into bed, Emily smiled at her. “What?”
“Nothing, just…” Emily paused. She didn’t know if this would kill the friendly vibe they had at the moment. “You look really pretty. I like it when you don’t wear makeup. You don't need it.”
JJ scoffed dismissively. “Don’t lie to me. Ever since I gave birth my worry lines have gotten so much worse.” She hid her face in her hands, making a cute little ‘ugh’ sound.
Emily laughed. “They have not! You look beautiful, just like always.” The brunette said honestly, slipping out of her slacks, left only in her tank and boxers. She always found it funny how differently she and JJ dressed when they slept. The blonde refused to slumber in anything but an oversized t-shirt and panties. Not that Emily was complaining, the ensemble provided easy access.
“Whatever.” JJ smiled. The plush white pillows beneath her head painted her as an angel, her honey-golden hair made into a halo.
The brunette slipped into bed next to her, trying not to get too close out of fear of making the other woman uncomfortable. JJ hesitated for a moment before addressing Emily’s apprehension. “It’s… It's okay.” She said quietly.
“What is?” The brunette responded, puzzled.
“If you want to, you know… touch me.” The blonde blushed a bit.
“Well of course I want to, but not if you don’t want to. I don’t ever want to make you do anything. It’s up to you, just like always.” Emily smiled, turning on her side to face JJ.
“I… I do. Want to, I mean.” She blushed again, a little brighter this time.
Emily chuckled. “You’re adorable when you’re flustered.” She smiled, moving closer to the younger woman, tucking a strand of hair behind her cheek, letting her hand linger there. “I’m going to need your explicit permission, though. I don’t want you regretting this in the morning.”
“I’d never regret this- us.” JJ replied, a bit too quickly.
“Nevertheless.” Emily smiled. “Just for my peace of mind.”
“Fine.” The blonde sighed, exasperated. After a long moment of silence, she continued. “Emily… I want you to touch me.” She paused. “Make me come, make me yours, just… anything.”
“I thought you’d never ask.” The brunette surged forward, connecting their lips. JJ inhaled sharply, promptly kissing her back. They stayed like that for a while, just kissing each other. Emily felt like it wouldn’t ever be enough; she couldn’t ever get sick of this. Kissing JJ felt like every bit of love in the world was rushing through her; it was electric, calming, beautiful, all at once.
The brunette rolled to lay on her back in the center of the bed, and JJ immediately understood. The blonde straddled Emily’s hips, leaning down to kiss her again. The younger woman didn’t miss the hardening bulge in Emily’s boxers.
The brunette moved one of her hands into long blonde hair, pulling gently. The blonde whimpered, kissing her harder. Emily knew very well what JJ liked; what made her moan, what made her come. She had made it her personal mission to learn JJ’s body, committing every last bit of it to memory.
Emily let her other hand guide the blonde’s hips as she began grinding down against her erection in search of friction. The brunette pulled back lightly on JJ’s hair to break the kiss. “What do you want, baby?”
“Just touch me, please.” The blonde’s voice was breathy and light, a sign that she’d been affected.
Emily nodded, letting her hands travel to JJ’s breasts over the blonde’s shirt. “God, I love these.” She mumbled under her breath. JJ must’ve heard it, though, because her response came a moment later.
“I know you do.” She laughed. “Remember, though. They’re still sensitive ‘cause I just stopped breastfeeding.” JJ let out a moan as Emily palmed her breast, weighing it in her hand.
“I know, I’ll be gentle.” Emily responded. “Can I take your shirt off?” She asked, looking up at the younger woman. JJ nodded quickly, allowing Emily to lift the garment over her head. She stared for a moment before taking a nipple into her mouth. She licked the sensitive bud, grazing it with her teeth just barely.
“f*ck, Em.” JJ whimpered slightly, causing Emily to pull back.
“Does it hurt?” She asked, concern etched into her features.
“No, keep going, please.” The brunette obeyed, leaning into JJ’s chest once more. Emily wanted to mark her, claim her as her own, but she knew that wasn’t allowed. They’d laid out rules for their encounters, and though they were broken occasionally, Emily thought it best to obey them now.
Rule #1 - Everything must be completely consensual. Nobody will do anything without the other’s permission. If a line is crossed or someone no longer wants to be physical, we stop immediately.
It was a rule that neither of them would ever violate. When JJ had suggested it, Emily had been a bit offended that the blonde could think she’d ever do such a thing. JJ had quickly explained that it was purely for her peace of mind, not out of any real concern.
Rule #2 - No marks; on either of us. We work together, are constantly in workout clothes, and, well, there’s Will. Hickeys are just too hard to explain without people getting suspicious.
Emily had a much harder time with that rule than JJ did. Something inside of the older woman was inherently possessive, regardless of the fact that JJ wasn’t hers; not truly.
Rule #3 - If either of us want things to end, they do. Obviously we’d owe the other an explanation, but there shouldn’t be any coercion or begging of the other to stay.
Emily knew she’d break that rule, should the time come. She desperately hoped it never would. Regardless of Emily’s struggles with their relationship being kept secret, she’d take anything she could get. Loving JJ in secrecy was far preferable to being unable to love her at all.
Rule #4 - No feelings. This one is self-explanatory. If either of us gets attached, this will get messy; neither of us needs messy.
Both JJ and Emily had been in direct violation of Rule #4 from the start of this little arrangement, but they refused to admit it. To themselves or to each other.
Their rules weren’t necessarily constricting, but sometimes Emily wished they’d never put them in place to begin with. She wanted to love JJ the way she deserved to be loved; loudly and with passion.
In the present moment, however, the rules couldn’t be further from Emily’s mind. No, right now her only thought was how she could get JJ to come.
“Emily- Em, hold on.” JJ was panting, trying to catch her breath atop of the brunette.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, concerned she’d made a mistake.
JJ smiled at Emily’s worry, cupping the older woman’s face in her hands. “Nothing, baby.” The blonde placed a quick kiss to her lips. “You’re perfect, I just need a sec.” She explained, causing the brunette to nod.
“You know, if you don’t want to, or you’re too tired, it’s okay. We don’t have to do anything.” Emily said, tucking a stray piece of blonde hair behind JJ’s ear.
“No, I still want to.” JJ assured her. Seeing the look on Emily’s face, she went on. “Believe me, the second you touch me I’m a goner.”
Emily smiled. “Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah… I’m so wet right now.” She smirked, moving Emily’s right hand between her thighs, where there was a growing patch of wetness on the sheer fabric of her underwear.
Emily hummed in appreciation. She was afraid to voice her next words, but plowed ahead regardless. She needed to know. “Does he do this to you? Does he make you so wet you drip through your panties?” She knew she was playing dirty, but she didn’t care.
“No, never.” JJ responded breathily, eyes fluttering closed as Emily cupped her over her underwear, pressing her palm against JJ’s cl*t.
“Does he make you cum? Do you have to think of me when you’re with him to feel something?” The brunette’s voice was dripping with smugness; she knew what she was doing.
“Emily…” JJ warned. This line of questioning was getting out of hand. They did this every once in a while; toed the line, pushed and pulled. The brunette enjoyed seeing how far she could bend JJ before she broke. JJ had told Emily she loved her, on quite a few occasions now, but it only ever slipped out while they were being… intimate. It usually took Emily mentioning the woman’s husband to get it out of her.
“Hm? You want me to stop?” Emily asked rhetorically.
“No!” JJ grabbed her wrist immediately, holding the older woman’s hand against her center. “Keep going, please.”
Emily chuckled lightly. “Didn’t think so. You’re so needy, it’s adorable. He doesn’t make you feel the way I do. Does he?”
JJ sighed when Emily’s fingers finally dipped below the waistband of her panties, dragging through the growing wetness between her legs. “No.”
“Does his dick compare to mine? Can he even last longer than a few minutes inside of you?” Emily sounded so sure of herself, but JJ couldn’t find it in her to protest; not when the older woman’s fingers were circling her cl*t ever so slowly.
JJ sighed again, laughing slightly. “No. He always comes too fast, I never get to finish.” She admitted quietly.
“Mm, no wonder why you’re always so desperate. You’re not being taken care of.” Emily lets her fingers dip lower, gathering wetness from JJ’s entrance and pulling it back up to her cl*t. “Don’t worry, baby. You know how much I love making you come until you cry.”
The blonde moaned outright at Emily’s words, knowing them to be true. After every night together, JJ had to make a conscious effort to walk normally the next day. Once, Garcia had commented on her wobbly legs and the squirming in her chair, but she’d been able to play it off. Mostly.
“Inside, please, Em.” JJ begged for release, it had been a while since their last rendezvous. A week and a half, to be exact. Far too long in both women’s opinion. Emily slipped a single finger into JJ, curling it upwards slowly. The blonde whimpered as she ground her hips down. “More, please.”
Emily chuckled, but obliged. A second finger found its rhythm inside of the blonde. Moments later, the brunette found herself with three fingers inside of JJ, her thumb on her cl*t. “Do you wanna cum, baby?”
“Yes!” JJ almost yelled. She wrapped her arms around the brunette’s neck, simultaneously hiding her face in the dark hair there, breathing in her signature scent; sandalwood, cigarettes, gunpowder and whiskey. The blonde absolutely loved it.
“Ask nicely, pretty girl.” She teased, crooking her fingers up perfectly in time with the blonde’s grinding.
“f*ck- I…” JJ trailed off, her mind fuzzy with lust and pleasure. “Please let me come, I’ve been so good.” She could barely get the words out between her pants. “Please, Em. I- I wanna come. Let me come for you.”
“Awww, how can I say no to you when you ask so politely?” Emily quickened her pace as she spoke again, kissing the younger woman’s cheek. “Go ahead and come on my fingers, baby.”
JJ allowed herself to let go. Blue eyes screwed shut as her mouth fell open, her org*sm crashing over her. She let out little breaths and mewls, legs shaking erratically around Emily’s hips. The brunette didn’t relent; she just kept thrusting into her with renewed force as JJ came down from her high.
“Emily, what are you-” The blonde’s voice was a few octaves lower than usual, gravely and hoarse from all her heavy breathing.
“Shhh… Give me one more, Jay.” She felt JJ’s arms tighten around her neck, holding on for dear life. “Come on, baby. You’ve got at least one or two more in you.”
“I can’t.” JJ felt entirely too sensitive. Every sensation was ten times stronger, especially Emily’s breath on her cheek.
“If you want me to stop, just tell me… but if you wanna be a good girl and let me make you come again, then do that.” Emily smiled when JJ nodded enthusiastically.
Moments later the blonde found herself falling headfirst into another org*sm. She could barely make out the words, but she heard Emily coaxing her through it, reminding her to breathe.
When JJ could see again, she pulled back from her hiding spot in Emily’s neck to meet the brunette’s gaze. Both women smiled brightly before kissing. Regardless of what became true when they left this room, right now, they belonged to each other.
“You’re ridiculously good at that. It’s not fair.” JJ blushed slightly. Little beads of sweat made their way down her chest and forehead, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.
“Sorry?” Emily asked in a light tone. “Actually, no. I’m not sorry. You’re so pretty when you come. Your legs start shaking and your face gets all red.” She brushed some hair behind JJ’s shoulder as the blonde blushed. “You’re beautiful.”
“So are you.” JJ ground her hips down playfully, only to be met with Emily’s still throbbing erection.
The brunette, who’d hissed slightly at JJ’s previous action, laughed a bit. “Sorry, that’s just a byproduct of getting you off. It makes me crazy.” She smiled a bit bashfully.
“No need to apologize.” JJ said. She ground her hips down once more, this time with a bit more purpose.
“f*ck- JJ if you don’t stop that… I swear I’m gonna flip you over and f*ck you right now.” Emily’s jaw clenched tightly as the blonde continued her grinding.
“Yes, please.” Said JJ, eagerly awaiting Emily’s reaction.
The brunette smirked, quickly turning them over so that JJ was on her back, Emily on top of her. A second later, Emily stood, removing her tank and boxers. JJ could barely tear her eyes away from the brunette’s dick as it sprung free, let alone listen to what Emily was saying.
“What?” She asked, oblivious.
“I said, take off your panties.” Emily laughed. Climbing back into bed once the blonde had rid herself of the last article of clothing between them.
Emily had a hand next to either side of JJ’s head, looking down into her eyes. “Is this okay?” She asked.
“Yes. f*ck me, please.” JJ’s hands were above her head on the pillow, her entire figure splayed out on the bed for Emily to see. Just as the brunette was about to push inside, she bolted upright, startling JJ.
“f*ck, I forgot a condom.” Emily began to go look for one, moving to rifle through her go-bag.
“It's okay.” JJ said from her spot on the bed. Emily turned; they’ve never had sex without a condom before. They’d never even discussed it. “I mean, you know I’m on the pill, and…” She trails off. “Please, Em. I wanna feel you.”
The brunette walks slowly back to the bed, looking down at JJ.
“Okay.” Emily pauses, just momentarily. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. I don’t want anything between us… not anymore.” JJ smiled slightly. So did Emily.
“Okay, then.” The brunette found herself atop of the blonde once more. “If it’s too much, just tell me, okay?”
JJ nodded, sometimes it took a moment to adjust to having Emily inside of her. She was… well, big. Not to mention the fact that they hadn’t done this in a while. The brunette had her left hand planted by the blonde’s head, while she lined herself up with her right. Emily pushed in slowly, not quite bottoming out but getting close.
“Oh, f*ck.” JJ moaned, gripping the pillow beneath her head with both hands. Her eyes fluttered shut, trying to adjust to the sensation of being completely filled.
“Are you okay?” Emily asked, a bit worried.
“Yeah… yeah. Just- You’re so much bigger than-” JJ cut herself off. She refused to mention him while Emily was inside of her. “Than I’m used to.” She bit her lip. “I’m okay, I promise. Keep going.”
With the blonde’s permission, Emily continued precariously, letting herself push all the way inside. JJ let out a strangled sound, tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes.
“Is this alright?” Emily asked, holding still inside of the younger woman.
“Yes, it feels so good. Just- move, please.” JJ’s face was flushed a bright red, the blush spreading down her chest, too. She tried to keep quiet, very aware that they were in a hotel, but she just couldn’t stop the whimpers that left her. Emily pulled almost all the way out, then pushed back in, faster than before, and that broke the blonde’s resolve. “f*ck!” She cried, grabbing onto the brunette’s shoulders as she set a brutal pace. “Emily… It feels so good. You’re so good- sh*t-” JJ was a mewling, writhing mess.
Emily knew JJ loved receiving praise, and she loved to give it to her. “You feel amazing wrapped around me, baby. I could f*ck you forever. You’re doing so good; laying there and taking it like a good girl for me.” Emily’s words made JJ moan, though she could barely make sense of them in her current state.
“Em- I’m gonna- please can I come?” JJ always asked for permission. Emily loved it.
“Shhh… Not yet, sweetheart. I wanna come with you.” Emily took JJ’s hands in hers, effectively pinning the blonde to the mattress, holding her wrists above her head. “You’re so beautiful, Jay. Every time I see you, I smile. You’re amazing, you’re my everything.” Even though the blonde was lost in a sea of debilitating pleasure, Emily’s words still managed to reach her ears, just barely. “I’d kill anyone who hurt you. I’d rip them apart if they dared to touch you. You’re mine, aren’t you? You’re mine.” The brunette’s words were driven into JJ by her hard thrusts.
In her haze of arousal, the words slipped out of JJ’s mouth without her permission. “Yes- Emily, I’m yours. f*ck-” One of the brunette’s hands began to circle JJ’s cl*t, applying the perfect amount of pressure. “God- I love you, Em. You make me feel so good- so special- so loved.” The older woman told herself that JJ didn’t mean it, that it was just the arousal speaking for her. She wanted to believe the blonde was telling the truth more than anything, but she’d been fooled before.
Emily sped her pace on JJ’s cl*t, leaning down to whisper in her ear. “Come for me, baby. Let me come inside you.”
With Emily’s words, JJ was gone. Her head fell back, her eyes screwed shut, her mouth open, though she held her breath. Emily followed her a moment later, emptying herself inside of the blonde for the very first time. It felt incredible, too much too completely, and yet perfect nonetheless.
JJ could’ve sworn she’d entered heaven at that moment, feeling everything and nothing at the same time. A small piece of her wished that this could be her whole life, with Emily by her side. JJ didn’t care about the repercussions anymore, she wanted this.
It took a bit for the brunette to come back to herself, eventually rolling off of JJ and onto her back. The younger woman quickly cuddled up to her side, Emily’s arms encircling her. They were quiet for a long time; it could’ve been five minutes, it could’ve been thirty. When JJ finally broke the silence, Emily thought she had imagined the words.
“I meant it, Em.” The blonde said. Her head was tucked between Emily’s arm and chest, the position making it so that their eyes couldn’t meet.
“What?” The brunette asked, a bit confused as to what JJ was referring to.
“I mean it. I love you.”
Emily wanted to smile, she wanted to cry. “I love you too, Jay. I always have… and I always will.” She ran her hand through golden locks, allowing herself the small glimpse of domesticity.
“I know… that's the problem. I can’t keep this a secret any longer, it’s not fair. I want to be honest, to live my life truthfully.” The blonde hesitated momentarily. “I can't keep doing this. To you, to him… to myself. It’s tearing me apart, Emily.” JJ still wasn’t looking at her. The blonde’s gaze was fixed on the blank screen of the untouched TV.
The brunette steeled herself. She’d known this was coming; the inevitable end to her fantasy. They’d played pretend long enough, eight months was far longer than she would’ve allowed herself to imagine this lasting at the beginning, but she knew what came next.
The end.
“It’s just not fair. I love you, more than my heart can hold, it’s all I think about, how to fix this situation I’ve found myself in. I love you, I do… but I love him, too.” JJ paused. Emily had dreaded this conversation, and now it was here. “I love him in a different way, though. He gave me Henry, he gave me my son, Em. I have to think of him, that’s why it’s taken me so long to make this decision.”
Here it comes. She’s ending it. Emily was reminded of Rule #3; If either of us want things to end, they do… there shouldn’t be any coercion or begging of the other to stay.
Emily did want to beg, though. She wanted to plead on her knees, to convince JJ that it would be okay, that they could continue on like this without an issue. Regardless of her desires, she knew that wasn’t true. As hard as it was for her, she knew JJ had it worse. Going home to her husband and son after what they did, it must’ve been torture.
“JJ, please. Don’t say it… I can’t listen to you say it.” Emily closed her eyes, trying to shut out the emotion that threatened to overwhelm her.
She felt a hand place itself on her cheek. “Emily. Open your eyes.” The brunette didn’t obey. “Look at me, Emily.”
Brown eyes met blue, and when the brunette saw all the sadness, all the turmoil that raged inside of the ocean blue irises… tears sprung forth from nowhere, falling down her cheeks without permission.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I did this. I put you through this, I never should’ve let this happen. God, you’re married. How did I let this happen? How did I let it get this far, go on this long? I’m so sorry.” The older woman buried her face in her hands as she rambled, attempting to fill the silence so JJ couldn’t.
“Emily, stop.” JJ silenced her, thumbs wiping away her tears. Their eyes met once more, and the words that came from the blonde’s lips had to have been a dream. “I’m leaving him. It’s over, Emily.”
“Wh- What?” The brunette’s voice didn’t sound like her own, tear stricken and broken down.
“I’ve been trying to figure this out for months. How to have it all; my family, you.. us, without giving anything up… but then I finally realized.” JJ smiled. “It’s you, Em. You’re my family. You make me feel like… I don’t even know how to explain it. All I want is you and Henry. My heart is split in half between you two.” The blonde laughed, just slightly. “I finally realized that I just can’t fit Will in my heart, you and Henry are it for me. You are all I have room for. You and my son… you’re all I need.”
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